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Could the day have ended in a more heartbreaking way than it did for me?

Never for one second did I expect to hear such words. I was truly devastated. However, in retrospect, many days later and after countless hours of contemplation, experiencing heartache, angst, desperation, and much soul searching. Included, the insurmountable literature that I could lay my eyes upon, the realization slowly began to dawn upon me. I could hardly attest that I was enamoured with said realization, but had to concede to its validity, since at this point, I had absolutely no other frame of reference.

Could one love so unconditionally at the risk of seeming so blind?

Or even turn a deaf ear to conversations, which had surfaced? Perhaps so!

Or had words and conversations been carefully chosen. This I cannot answer, as I am no mind reader (though I wish I were, or had been), as it would have saved me from many sleepless tear filled nights.

Even so, I cannot, nor do I wish to find a place in my heart or soul to “hate” I choose to hold unconditional love within. To remain the resilient loving spirit that takes from life, “lessons,” affording immeasurable personal growth.

Have you ever read about how to love unconditionally without attachment? I had read about it, and truly believed I had the situation under control.

We all, or most believe we are able to do this. But I urge you to consider seriously what your thoughts, answers and outcome might be. I pose the following scenario; In the eventuality of a partner/lover walking away desiring no contact for 90 days. Do you still think/believe you have your ducks in a row? Do you still believe “acceptance” of said situation would be like a walk in a park?

I don’t know about you, but for me it became a roller-coaster ride through the darkest depths of self-imposed hell (whatever hell may be!)

Hanging on for dear life, as the cart screeches along dizzying heights, nauseating, then plummets at a phenomenally sickening pace. Thoughts trail, as feelings hit base before the convulsions engulf ones mind and body. To soon you’re careening, followed by hanging upside down and wondering how gravity hasn’t magnetized your head permanently to the ground!

At this point there is no rational thinking! Loop after loop after sickening loop exerting every iota of resilience from within not to spew your guts out. Drawing from every fibre the strength to simply “hold on” and praying this were over.

Mind, body and soul three separate entities (or so it feels like it) each one pulling in different directions, feeling unconnected, muddled and uncoordinated.

Hideously so!

16 July 2014

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